We’re a big lengthy today. I’m in the middle of a big project — one that’s fun, but so enormous that I’m finding it a bit… um… scary.
You know, the kind of thing that my elephants just love.
One of the things I’ve realized is that there are several tendencies I have about beginnings. And then the beginning gradually works its way into a slow fizzle. And a stop. And sometimes a restart which requires a tremendous amount of energy. Or sometimes just a nothing.
I’ve been working on this habit for a while, and have been intrigued by Havi’s quest for “sovereignty”. She describes this beautifully, but it’s basically owning what you do to such a degree that it cannot be shaken from your way of being.
So in an effort to start in a different way (which might make me just a bit less crazy), I’m giving myself the following permissions about my life and adding these things into my entire way of being.
My hope is that by admitting these things are needed, they will become part of what I do seamlessly each and every day. And then they will become unshakable. And then I can move on, perhaps verrry, verrry slowwwly, to something else.
Time. I will allow myself enough time. Rather than overscheduling (which I almost always do) I will try to underschedule. To allow big, gaping holes in my calendar.
This seems incredibly frightening, since running-and-doing seem so linked to the succeeding part. But these holes need to be there, to give me the time to make this what it needs to be.
Now time is a tricky thing. It needs to be used wisely, and I’ve finally realized that “wisely” cannot be determined by someone else. So my need to spend time each morning meditating is wise. It clears my head and allows the creativity to unstick itself from wherever it hides. My need to take time to lay out my calendar before starting my round of email check-ins is wise. My need to leave everything behind at 2 each day so I can start picking up my kids from school (and that being a mom is the whole reason I left behind the nice-shoes-and-suits life I used to lead) is also wise. I hope you, dear reader, understand.
Sleep. The phrase “burning the candle at both ends” has been my motto for many years. I’m famous for getting up at incredibly crazy hours (aka, 3 am) to work. In fact, one of my girls once asked me whether I ever slept, since I seemed to be always awake whenever she was. I’ve done this since college, really, trying to cram as much into my day (work, classes, family) while also being creative (writing in the wee hours of the morning).
There are three problems with this. Probably many more, but in my sleep-deprived brain three is all I can come up with.
First, I cannot possibly do my best work on four or five hours of sleep. It’s just not possible.
Second, when my body can no longer take it, I crash. I crash the project, I burn out, and everything goes to hell. It’s not sustainable.
And third, lack of sleep has other consequences. It makes me tired. And grumpy. And I feel rotten. And people don’t like hanging out with someone who is grumpy and rotten.
So I am going to allocate time for work and for sleep. This is a major thing for me, dear reader. Are these things you, too, struggle with?
The ickyness factor. I tend to say yes. Yes to taking the lead on something. Yes to agreeing to speak to a group of strangers and spending countless hours preparing for this horrifying event. Yes to something that sounds good for someone else but for me is really out of line with where I’m headed.
I often realize should have taken time to see whether something is in harmony with, well, me. I should have stopped to examine whether there is an “ickyness factor” attached to any new thing. If there is, it needs to stop immediately.
I did that today, and it felt soooo good. Something that was on my schedule was filling me with absolute terror. I realized I didn’t want to read emails about this event. I didn’t want to make phone calls (and I needed to make them!). I didn’t want anything to do with it at all. And it was a perfectly nice thing, and something that some of my friends would love to do. So I made a couple of phone calls and, viola, one of my friends is delighted to be hooked up with this. And I am pleased-as-punch-thank-you-very-much as my 5-year-old would say.
Those are my big realizations, not bad for a sleep-deprived, over-scheduled woman whose activities reek of ickyness factor. But all that is gonna change.
Are there things in your life that you need to recognize and begin to own? If you want to let me know, I promise to let you know I support you in a thoughtful, caring way. Or if you don’t, I love you for just reading this. Take care, and all my best,
-liz
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