Liz McGowen Blog

We all “love” Fridays, so I thought this would be the perfect day to reflect on love.

I have to admit, this has been a tough topic. Much harder than I thought.

Part of that stems from the fact that real love is, I think, mixed up with so many other things. Patience. Trust. Honesty. Consistency.

I find that it is sometimes easier to love others and to think about loving others when we think about love.

But what we first need to do (and what is hardest sometimes to do) is to love ourselves.

How does that sit with you?

Now I don’t mean this in a selfish way. I don’t mean not caring for those people in our lives who love us and need us, and whom we also love and need. Our kids, our colleagues, our family and friends.

No, I mean loving ourselves in a way that takes care of us and our needs so we can be better for those people.

Sorry to go all Ayn Rand on you, but it is kind of a deep thought for a Friday.

Thinking back on the work I often do with people in therapy, one of the first things we often look at is “accepting reality”. And since people rarely come to therapy for themselves (they come to “fix” something or someone but almost never to fix themselves), often there is the need to accept the reality about and of another person.

So let’s say that the relationship between a parent and child isn’t working. Arguments are happening. Feelings are getting hurt. It’s nasty.

We start by looking at the real situation. Whatever that may be.

We take a big basket and start tossing out the “shoulds” and the “musts”. She “should” have good grades goes right out the window. She “must” never get detention is zapped out of existence from now on.

We accept what is real and now. This can take a long, long time. It’s almost never a one-session-deal. It’s also sometimes a deal-breaker, because people don’t want to accept reality. They might have built a whole identity around the shoulds and musts, and might not want to change.

This leaves me thinking: I wonder whether we really have taken the time to look at ourselves and accept reality.

Hmmm.

What’s the reality — and what are the “musts” and “shoulds” that have crept into your world?

Hmmm. Hmmmm.

Too scary?

If it is, and it might very well be, it’s OK.

To help you get a grip, I highly suggest a brilliant post written by Havi and Selma entitled “Not All Monsters Like Cookies“. You should read it. Havi and Selma are brilliant.

It helped me realize that not only have I been giving my monsters cookies, I’ve been making them homemade chocolate chip ones and their entire families have moved in as a result. Eviction proceedings are gonna start.

Read. Enjoy. Think. And let me know.

All my peace, happiness and love to you,

-liz

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