My rules.

The thing that started me on this happened on Friday. I had straightened the house like I usually do, then after the kids had been home from school for what seemed like 15 seconds everything was a mess.

Then a friend called and wanted to stop by. Straighten up.

Then it was time for dinner. Straighten up again.

Then time for bed. Straighten up again.

The same scenarios continued on Saturday, and by the end of the day it seemed like all I’d done was straighten. Endless straightening. By Sunday morning I was thinking to myself, “What’s wrong here? This is my house, yet I feel like I never get to live in it.”

I realized, finally, that there are a million or more ways for my house to look and feel — to me — like it’s messy. But there’s only one way for everything to look and feel clean — again, to me.

Hmmm.

So I’ve created this little internal rule, reinforced from infancy by she-who-must-be-0beyed, and nurtured by my love of things like issues of House Beautiful and my Laura Ashley book on home decorating. Things must be in place. It is my responsibility to make sure this happens. These have been the rules.

The problem is, with three kids, a hubby, a dog, and the-world’s-longest-living-guppy, nothing is ever in its place. The guppy is the only one who does his fair share in that area.

The only way my rule can work is if I commit to having a full-time housekeeper — and we were actually fired by our housekeeper for being too messy (but that’s a tale for another day).

So I’m working on revising my rule. Apparently it seems possible, although I’m still struggling with it. I’m thinking the new rule might be that my house is clean if the chores have been basically taken care of and if things get straightened once a day. What do you think?

Of course, that means I’ll be living in the equivalent of a Playskool crackden for the time being…

An update on last week’s request…

Last week, I put out there into cyberspace that I was ready to take on two new coaching clients. Guess what? I got a call from a former client who told me she was ready to move forward again and we had an amazing session. So that was awesome. Thank you, Gods of the Internet, for helping that happen. That was wonderful.

This week’s requests…

Yes, there is space for one more coaching client, someone who’s ready to move forward with a thing and who loves Effie. You’ll know who you are.

And, as I’ve alluded to previously, there is a new thing that I have and I’m ready to start talking about it to others. Basically, I connect people to something that can really change their lives. So if you are stuck and “sick of being sick of” it, then I’d love to hear from you and share this thing — and see what you think.

Is there something you’d like to ask for? I promise to listen, and to reflect with you in an honest and caring way about it. And to add your request to my own wishes. Feel welcome to leave a comment and let everyone know.

I must admit that the past few weeks have been ones I wouldn’t want to re-do… but on the other hand, they’ve been something I needed to go through. And there are lessons learned:

Don’t lose track of your own stuff. Remember those itsy bitsy things that end up turning into huge things?

Yeah. Those showed up this month.

It was like hosting a little party of all my inner-selves that I really didn’t want to talk to. Hard-Charger-Girl, who always tries to do too much. You’re-Doing-It-All-Wrong Girl, who always second guesses everything. You-Should-Try-Something-Different Girl, who wanted me to go out and be a salesperson, of all things, and got me all sidetracked and mixed up. You-Can’t-Really-Do-This-And-Will-Screw-Up Girl, who would question the very necessity of socks if I’d let her. And of course my business troll showed up, and then Effie was occupied with other things like making sure the kids did their homework while I seemed to be hosting this party forever.

Thankfully, everyone went back to their places, for now. The dinner party has ended, things are cleaned up, and all are much the wiser.

Effie has gone back into her usual contemplative state.

My 10-year-0ld and her friend did a podcast, for heavens sake, proving that we really do live in an age where anything is possible!

You will be happy to know that I did not become a salesperson (in the used cars sense), I did find something to connect others with that I absolutely love, which is kind of cool and funny. This has led me to start working on my beliefs about selling anything, which is something that it turns out has been holding me back for quite some time. I’ve also never had something to sell that I didn’t have to invent, so it feels good. That’s been really enlightening (and thank you, Lena, who is a brilliant coach, and who will soon start her “Enlightened Entrepreneurs” coaching group which promises to be amazing).

I have re-visited my schedule and recognized the need for this little thing called sleep. And meditation. And exercise. And this other little thing called fun-without-having-to-worry-about-whether-others-are-wearing-matching-socks (aka, time for mom to not work). The whole balancing thing is still hard, especially with three kids to and the challenges of 5th grade math (which are more horrible than I could describe). But it is what it is. Being a mom fuels who I am.

I’ve realized that I am not doing the wrong thing but exactly the right thing, in the right way. I give thanks for my friends and clients who actually tell me more and more that they really do like the new project — someone actually called me completely unexpectedly and asked to share it with her entire networking group! — and that my coaching is useful in helping them reach into themselves and find all sorts of worthwhile things.

I have emails and tweets saved so I can look at these little nuggets of encouragement when I’m feeling down, and they immediately help me realize I am on the right path. Granted, the path seems to be leading to a cliff at times, but it is getting smoother.

And yes, I did screw up a bit. Quite a bit. Worst was that I lost three of the interviews (with Brooke, David, and Deb) for the new project and they were brilliant. And I felt really, really bad. But now I can get a do-over, and will be much better able to do the interviews thanks to spending some time with my brilliant friend Carolyn who is helping me tap into her years of media experience so I can become a better interviewer.

Oh, yeah, and I now have a cool shiny little thingy that I can save really important computerey things on so they don’t get lost. That is nice.

When you hurt, pay attention. Okay, this one is a little strange, but I went to a salesey thing that I got all caught up in, and afterwards I hurt. I really was in pain, like someone was stabbing me in the neck. It ultimately got really bad, and I was about to go see my amazing chiropractor who always helps me. I thought I was sitting wrong, sleeping wrong, maybe coming down with something, and so I made an extra effort to be nice to myself. Well, as nice as a mom with three kids can be to herself.

Then, the most amazing thing happened. I had a session with Lena, who pointed out a couple of things I was doing that just were incongruent. Then she encouraged me to work on my beliefs about the salesey thing. After I really sat down a couple of times to do the work and to regain my what and how and my focus on my things, I realized much to my surprise that the pain was gone.

It was amazing. If only I’d paid attention to the pain when it started, and really taken time to think about when and why it started, I wonder whether it would have disappeared more quickly. I had gotten myself totally off my path, and thank heavens my body made me stop and figure things out.

Dance with the one that brung you. My dad used to say this. It means don’t give up on the people, experiences, and skills that got you to where you are now. It’s awfully appealing some days to turn into someone who just makes money. Lots and lots of money that will pay for a kitchen that is not partly held together by duct tape.

But you know what? I need to stick with what I’m good at and keep in mind what my “why” really is. When someone tells me what to do or how to do it, those are the moments I need to go even deeper inside myself and see what resonates for me.

Sure, I could be in corporate America. But my kids would be doing their homework without me. Granted, when your daughter is beginning algebra that sounds pretty appealing, but that’s not why I made the decision to leave bureaucracy and focus on being a mom.

So I need to stick with what I’m good at. And I will. Problem solving. Being a little human extension cord connecting people to each other and to what they need. Helping other people become healthier and more balanced. Meeting people exactly where they are in their business or personal lives, and bringing along a flashlight to help them get out of the dark. Remaining open and giving.

The amazing thing is, once I had an opportunity to think of all these things that have come my way, they all fit together. The coaching, the networking, the education, the connecting. It’s like one leads into another, seamlessly.

So, dear reader, I’m back, and ready to move forward.

Something new

During this whole phase, I’ve also done a lot of reading. Of course, one of my favorite check-ins is Havi. I love what she began a while ago, which is an “asking” for what she wants and needs. I agree that I need to get better at asking. So let us begin.

Here’s what I want — I have space in my practice (now that the dinner party is over!) for one or two new coaching clients. It just feels like it’s the right time to add some folks to the circle.

You need only to have read Effie’s work, have felt it resonated with you, and be ready to work on getting to a different place with your stuff. If that sounds like you, then please contact me (lizmcgowen@gmail.com) and we’ll set up a time to talk. All the info about “hows” is on my coaching page.

I’d love to hear your honest thoughts, and will respond to what you have to say from my own heart. If you have things to ask for, please do so, and let’s help each other while remembering to remain open and loving.

I turned on my computer and was greeted by scary blue-ness… the kind that makes you want to go back to bed. The kind that makes you think in shades of green because you know that blue screen is going to be expensive to fix.

As I uggghh’d and arrrgh’d and hrrmph’d about the woes of this to my dog, who is mostly deaf, the words of my friend Lena popped into my head. Lena is, first of all, one of those people like Tina. Good to know in an emergency. Calm. Reasonable. Kind. She’s a person who would give you a hug when something icky happens and, if you decided to spend the afternoon running over your computer with your car or smashing it with a baseball bat, she’d not think less of you.

Last week I attended an event where Lena spoke, which is always a treat. She’s a really good speaker who puts her heart into the topic. She talked about something I found interesting. And on Monday, it was relevant.

Lena talked about change.

You want change. So you ask for change and you look for it and you try to do all these things to make it happen.

And then, probably more often than not, things start to happen. Only sometimes they’re not good things but bad things. Things you don’t necessarily want to happen. Like computers that no longer work or “to do” lists that are interrupted. People who leave your life. Needing to move. Getting sick.

Change, but not good change.

That’s happened to me. Has it happened to you? You want change so bad you can taste it. But when things start to happen you suddenly find yourself kicking and screaming and cursing and… hrrmph’ing.

How could that happen? I don’t want this! Make it stop! I want things back to the way they were!

Sound familiar?

The amazing thing Lena talked about was that this change, all of it extremely awful if taken separately, has to happen.

You asked for change. In order for there to be room and importance for what is coming, this stuff has to happen. It is part of the change. New things that need to be done. New people to enrich your life. New and better places to live. An increased awareness of health and wellness for you or those you love.

So many of us ask for change, but I realized on Monday that it’s hard to walk the talk. To view the thing as part of the change, and instead of focusing on the icky, to focus on what is next.

By the way, I’ve invented a story around what happened to my computer. It was sick of my daily hrrumph’ing and my monotonous tasks, so it decided to hop a plane to the Bahamas. It took it’s beautiful little self to the beach and spent all its time goofing off on twitter and fully charging its battery. And then, to take advantage of mid-week air fares, it came back last night and was safely tucked in at its little desk by 9:30 pm. This morning it was wide awake and refreshed…

What is next

It seems fitting, on this day that is 45 days from the time I started off to give free coaching sessions to 100 different individuals, to let you know what happened with this little project.

I’ve tried not to mention it too much here, for the simple reason that it seemed the people who needed me — my right people — would find me if it was meant to be. It’s been kind of an experiment with the universe.

And it was meant to be. I ended up with just over 40 sessions, meaning that just over 40 of my right people connected with me. We got to talk about goals and what is icky and scary, and Effie was most patient and loving during the whole process.

It was perfect.

Most of the time it was just an hour and then they’ve gone out into the world to thrive. Some have talked with me a few more times, which is so cool.

Thank you, to all of you who participated in a session, who told a friend about the project, or who stood on the sidelines and said “Yeah! Go Liz!” You are all, each and every one of you, awesome. You are doing amazing things. You are asking questions that enrich your lives and the lives of others. I’m so very proud to know you.

The question of what is next is something I’ve been considering a lot recently, and I want to talk about that a bit more soon… with some exciting news for you…

All my best to you and those in your world,

-liz

You know, the kind of thing that my elephants just love.

One of the things I’ve realized is that there are several tendencies I have about beginnings. And then the beginning gradually works its way into a slow fizzle. And a stop. And sometimes a restart which requires a tremendous amount of energy. Or sometimes just a nothing.

I’ve been working on this habit for a while, and have been intrigued by Havi’s quest for “sovereignty”. She describes this beautifully, but it’s basically owning what you do to such a degree that it cannot be shaken from your way of being.

So in an effort to start in a different way (which might make me just a bit less crazy), I’m giving myself the following permissions about my life and adding these things into my entire way of being.

My hope is that by admitting these things are needed, they will become part of what I do seamlessly each and every day. And then they will become unshakable. And then I can move on, perhaps verrry, verrry slowwwly, to something else.

Time. I will allow myself enough time. Rather than overscheduling (which I almost always do) I will try to underschedule. To allow big, gaping holes in my calendar.

This seems incredibly frightening, since running-and-doing seem so linked to the succeeding part. But these holes need to be there, to give me the time to make this what it needs to be.

Now time is a tricky thing. It needs to be used wisely, and I’ve finally realized that “wisely” cannot be determined by someone else. So my need to spend time each morning meditating is wise. It clears my head and allows the creativity to unstick itself from wherever it hides. My need to take time to lay out my calendar before starting my round of email check-ins is wise. My need to leave everything behind at 2 each day so I can start picking up my kids from school (and that being a mom is the whole reason I left behind the nice-shoes-and-suits life I used to lead) is also wise. I hope you, dear reader, understand.

Sleep. The phrase “burning the candle at both ends” has been my motto for many years. I’m famous for getting up at incredibly crazy hours (aka, 3 am) to work. In fact, one of my girls once asked me whether I ever slept, since I seemed to be always awake whenever she was. I’ve done this since college, really, trying to cram as much into my day (work, classes, family) while also being creative (writing in the wee hours of the morning).

There are three problems with this. Probably many more, but in my sleep-deprived brain three is all I can come up with.

First, I cannot possibly do my best work on four or five hours of sleep. It’s just not possible.

Second, when my body can no longer take it, I crash. I crash the project, I burn out, and everything goes to hell. It’s not sustainable.

And third, lack of sleep has other consequences. It makes me tired. And grumpy. And I feel rotten. And people don’t like hanging out with someone who is grumpy and rotten.

So I am going to allocate time for work and for sleep. This is a major thing for me, dear reader. Are these things you, too, struggle with?

The ickyness factor. I tend to say yes. Yes to taking the lead on something. Yes to agreeing to speak to a group of strangers and spending countless hours preparing for this horrifying event. Yes to something that sounds good for someone else but for me is really out of line with where I’m headed.

I often realize should have taken time to see whether something is in harmony with, well, me. I should have stopped to examine whether there is an “ickyness factor” attached to any new thing. If there is, it needs to stop immediately.

I did that today, and it felt soooo good. Something that was on my schedule was filling me with absolute terror. I realized I didn’t want to read emails about this event. I didn’t want to make phone calls (and I needed to make them!). I didn’t want anything to do with it at all. And it was a perfectly nice thing, and something that some of my friends would love to do. So I made a couple of phone calls and, viola, one of my friends is delighted to be hooked up with this. And I am pleased-as-punch-thank-you-very-much as my 5-year-old would say.

Those are my big realizations, not bad for a sleep-deprived, over-scheduled woman whose activities reek of ickyness factor. But all that is gonna change.

Are there things in your life that you need to recognize and begin to own? If you want to let me know, I promise to let you know I support you in a thoughtful, caring way. Or if you don’t, I love you for just reading this. Take care, and all my best,

-liz

My friend Victoria Brouhard wrote the most beautiful piece about coming to terms with her fears, and it occurs to me that fans of Effie might enjoy this tremendously. Just read about Hedgehog Girl.

I think you’ll love it. Effie loved it, too.

Is all good in your world? I hope so. Things are crazy here, but getting smoother every day.

I wanted to check in and let all of you know that I’m still thinking about you… in those fleeting moments when I’m not occupied with getting a 10-year-old to do math homework and trying to figure out why the 3-year-old and 5-year-old are being “too” quiet.

Oh, yeah, and doing those 100 free sessions. I’ve made it to 31, thank you very much, and am feeling super. If you’d like to sign up for a free session there is still a teensy bit of time left. Sign up for my mailing list at the right (under the elephant’s rear end), and you’ll receive all the details.

All my best to you and those you love,
-liz

This brings up a question: I wonder what she thinks I do during the day? Our summertime schedule included lots of visits to the park and the pool and other fun excursions. I wonder whether she thinks I’m at the park, playing in the sand all by myself or wishing I had someone to push on the swings.

Anyway, back to the story. She started Monday. So far, every night she has asked me to let her know when school will end… as if it will not be the one constant in her life for the next 20 to 25 years. Every night there have been tears, pleas to not go back, and refusals to continue. And every night I have reassured her that it will get better and that we need to go back and try every day.

I thought, as we discussed the day’s events before bedtime last night, how amazing it is that I have someone in my life who loves me so much that she actually cries when she is away from me. I don’t think I’d ever thought about it that way before. What a truly miraculous thing her love is.

Even for me, it’s so hard to be new and to be away from those I care most about. My natural tendency is to stick with the familiar, the known, the comfortable. When I have to go outside of my comfort zone it takes a lot of energy.

I can imagine what it might be like for her. Surrounded by others who probably miss their own mommies and who occasionally break down in tears. Having to learn things like sitting still and lining up, when in the past these things were never needed. Learning to be patient, to share, and to be quiet. I’ve never mastered those three myself.

This morning we arrived, and the beauty of kindergarten kicked in.

Two of her classmates, both of them also close to tears this morning, gave her hugs. Her teachers — two amazing women whom I’m so thankful for — welcomed her with smiles that were just right for the moment, took her hand, and calmly led my little basket of nerves over to her other classmates.

In a couple of minutes she was going into the school with her classmates for another day of adventure — which I can hardly wait to hear about this afternoon. I know we may cry more, but we’ll keep at it.

That’s the beauty of kindergarten. We make big changes but we don’t dwell on what’s wrong. We get on with the having fun part, and we see all the changes as part of the adventure.

Hope all is well in your world. Have a great day, and a great adventure. (And Ms. G and Ms. W — thank you for being so wonderful).

-liz

Her experience brings up so much for me, and quite possibly for you, too.

Being the new girl (or boy) is awkward.

Nothing is familiar.

You have a history with no one — at least not in the exact same environment.

Many of the norms and customs make no sense. They just are.

It’s always difficult being the new girl, but I’ve also always been amazed at some people who seem to fly through the process. Perhaps it’s wearing the right clothes and having the right hair — they are predestined to fit in with their group, be it the cool kids, the athletes, or the preppies. They want to fit, and once they do they settle in to a routine.

Possibly, it’s not a routine but a rut.

While I hope my daughter makes the transition smoothly, I also hope that she isn’t pigeonholed right from the start. She’s such a beautiful mix of softball girl, history/mystery buff, and fashionista right now. Of course, it changes every day, but I love every little nuance of her personality.

Having this new girl thing happening here at home has made me very conscious of my own “new girl” phobias. Thinking back, I went to a college where so many people were not the new girls — they all just seemed to fit in (at least to me, who seemed to fit in nowhere). They wore the same kinds of deeply preppy clothes. They all had the same haircuts. They had taken the same kinds of classes in private school. They knew the drill, and so did their mothers (ok, I went to a women’s college, but their fathers knew the drill, too).

Then came me. I had never left the midwest except on a few occasions. I was a farm girl and I spent about half my time at the barn with the horses where I was the most comfortable. The first time I visited Boston, I dressed up because it just seemed the right thing to do (and I discovered to my horror that my friends didn’t do the same). I had never been to sleep-away camp or to prep school, and I was terrified of my well educated professors. My parents were both self-employed practically from birth, and the whole what-to-study-and-how-to-get-a-job thing was a complete mystery to them. It was hell.

But you know what? Sometimes in the not fitting, you get a better sense of yourself. You become more self-reliant, and you develop a wider base of friends. Sometimes the not being part of one solid group is tremendously hard, but it’s not the end of the world.

I say this because it’s my belief that being the new girl, whether you are networking in business or school or a profession, is something we’ve all done. We’re all deeply uncomfortable and unsure, whether we show it outwardly or not. We all want to fit, but some of us don’t.

I find that I still don’t fit in many situations. That’s ok. It just makes me work at it a little bit more to find out what we have in common.

You are you, and no one else can be that glorious combination of all the things that make you what you are. Instead of being the athlete or the artist or the soccer mom, be you. Just you, in all your multi-faceted brilliance. And treasure those of us who are also just being ourselves.

Have a glorious day, and all my peace happiness and love to you,

-liz

Let me rephrase:  I haven’t written anything this week.

And I’ve had so much fun — so much peace happiness and love has come into my life!

This week, with my “elephant-sized challenge” thing, I’ve connected with five super-fantastic people all of whom are doing things they love. They have ideas that are amazing. We talked and I tried to help them get a little un-stuck and a little more connected to other equally un-stuck people.

It turns out my “right people” are coming from all over the globe, from all walks of life (for example, one is a super-smart techie and one is a super-smart farmer!), and they all share qualities like really loving what they do and truly caring for others. We’ve had more fun than a barrel of monkeys, and I speak from experience because I actually own two barrels of monkeys and they’re not even close to this in the fun department.

And next week I have more of these free consults scheduled. So if you’d like to talk tand possibly get un-stuck, or figure out how to make the icky less icky, sign up for a spot. It’ll be cool and we can connect about whatever your thing is.

No slackermoms here…

In a surprise development, I actually had a chance to have a real-life playdate with my friend Jessica, aka “slackermomspeaks“.

And you know what? She’s not a slackermom in any way. She’s awesome and warm and has a beautiful daughter who likes climbing trees just like my kids do. How lucky I am to have found her and have a moment in the sun together.

But there are phenomenoodles…

One of my favorite new discoveries (through twitter, I might add) of the week is @magswallis whose fantastic website and blog phenomenoodle makes me want to giggle every time I think of it. The info she has there is so good — all about helping you know how to become visible online and caring that visibility might be scary. Totally my kind of thing.

And she has a facebook fan page, which Effie loves. And I also love having another fun person to goof around with on twitter… so you should come goof around with both of us…

So without further adoo, let the goofing begin! Have a lovely weekend, and all my best,

-liz

So, it’s time to give back. I’ve decided that in the next 45 days, between now and October 1, I’m going to give a free, one-hour consultation session to 100 different people.

That’s right. It’s gonna be super fun, crazy busy, and we’re gonna make things happen.

I’m kicking it off tomorrow (so I’m actually cheating and giving myself one extra day).

So if that sounds like fun to you — as a way to get work with your peoplerelationships stuff, or on how to deal with difficult people, or to get un-stuck, or to develop a strategy, or to work even for a little bit on something that’s really, really difficult for you to do alone — then all you have to do is join my mailing list. I will send you the link to my online appointment system, and you can pick the time that works for you.

Simple. Easy Peasy. No strings. Let’s talk and get your stuff moving!

And if you want to stand on the sidelines and cheer, that’s cool, too. I’m planning to update you on the numbers and how things are going, so you can glimpse my next 45 days in action. Crazy, but that’s what I’m doing.

A couple of details:

• All non-Chicago (Illinois, USA) clients will need to provide me with their Skype contact info. I can’t afford to offer a free session and then pay for a call halfway across the world. Hope that makes sense.
• All times for appointments are Chicago time, Central Standard Time. Hope that helps.
• I’m squeezing this in between my regular “stuff”, seeing clients who actually pay me, but I’ve opened up a lot of my schedule to do this since it’s a priority. Hope you can find a time that works for you.
• If you need to reschedule for any reason, I ask that you do so at least 24 hours in advance if you can… that helps me keep things straight and keeps me from being grumpy.
• Nothing is too anything for this project. Whatever you want to talk about is cool, that’s your choice. I’ll do my very-absolutely-superdy-duperdy best to help you.

Sound fun? Send an email to coachwithliz@aweber.com, and join my email list. Or go to the right-hand column on the screen and sign up there. Once you confirm your subscription, I’ll automatically send you to the site where you can pick the day and time you want to talk.

This is going to be so much fun. I can hardly wait!

-liz

The object of my desire is consuming my every waking moment and I can no longer keep this secret from you, dear reader.

I’m in love with a grocery store.

I walk down the aisles, mesmerized by the sheer quantity of foods. Cookies from exotic lands. A whole wall of olive oils, some even with mysterious sediments at the bottom of the bottles. Produce that seems to go on forever.

Things I’ve never even known existed, now I want. I crave.

And it’s cheap, too, making my little Midwestern heart race with desire every time I run my fingers over a fresh family pack of hamburger. Affordable vice, you are mine.

Perhaps this is my mid-life crisis.

Sadly, in this cornucopia of fine food, I am unable to find Campbell’s soup. Oh well. Romance is never all it’s cracked up to be.

If you live near Chicago, this paradise of produce is in Niles, the Fresh Farms at Touhy near the Wal-Mart.

You should go. Be sure to say hi.

I’ll be the one with the three kids who are loudly arguing Dora vs. Danimals in the yoghurt aisle.

Even Pollyanna has difficult moments.

All my best,

-liz