My rules.

The thing that started me on this happened on Friday. I had straightened the house like I usually do, then after the kids had been home from school for what seemed like 15 seconds everything was a mess.

Then a friend called and wanted to stop by. Straighten up.

Then it was time for dinner. Straighten up again.

Then time for bed. Straighten up again.

The same scenarios continued on Saturday, and by the end of the day it seemed like all I’d done was straighten. Endless straightening. By Sunday morning I was thinking to myself, “What’s wrong here? This is my house, yet I feel like I never get to live in it.”

I realized, finally, that there are a million or more ways for my house to look and feel — to me — like it’s messy. But there’s only one way for everything to look and feel clean — again, to me.

Hmmm.

So I’ve created this little internal rule, reinforced from infancy by she-who-must-be-0beyed, and nurtured by my love of things like issues of House Beautiful and my Laura Ashley book on home decorating. Things must be in place. It is my responsibility to make sure this happens. These have been the rules.

The problem is, with three kids, a hubby, a dog, and the-world’s-longest-living-guppy, nothing is ever in its place. The guppy is the only one who does his fair share in that area.

The only way my rule can work is if I commit to having a full-time housekeeper — and we were actually fired by our housekeeper for being too messy (but that’s a tale for another day).

So I’m working on revising my rule. Apparently it seems possible, although I’m still struggling with it. I’m thinking the new rule might be that my house is clean if the chores have been basically taken care of and if things get straightened once a day. What do you think?

Of course, that means I’ll be living in the equivalent of a Playskool crackden for the time being…

An update on last week’s request…

Last week, I put out there into cyberspace that I was ready to take on two new coaching clients. Guess what? I got a call from a former client who told me she was ready to move forward again and we had an amazing session. So that was awesome. Thank you, Gods of the Internet, for helping that happen. That was wonderful.

This week’s requests…

Yes, there is space for one more coaching client, someone who’s ready to move forward with a thing and who loves Effie. You’ll know who you are.

And, as I’ve alluded to previously, there is a new thing that I have and I’m ready to start talking about it to others. Basically, I connect people to something that can really change their lives. So if you are stuck and “sick of being sick of” it, then I’d love to hear from you and share this thing — and see what you think.

Is there something you’d like to ask for? I promise to listen, and to reflect with you in an honest and caring way about it. And to add your request to my own wishes. Feel welcome to leave a comment and let everyone know.

I must admit that the past few weeks have been ones I wouldn’t want to re-do… but on the other hand, they’ve been something I needed to go through. And there are lessons learned:

Don’t lose track of your own stuff. Remember those itsy bitsy things that end up turning into huge things?

Yeah. Those showed up this month.

It was like hosting a little party of all my inner-selves that I really didn’t want to talk to. Hard-Charger-Girl, who always tries to do too much. You’re-Doing-It-All-Wrong Girl, who always second guesses everything. You-Should-Try-Something-Different Girl, who wanted me to go out and be a salesperson, of all things, and got me all sidetracked and mixed up. You-Can’t-Really-Do-This-And-Will-Screw-Up Girl, who would question the very necessity of socks if I’d let her. And of course my business troll showed up, and then Effie was occupied with other things like making sure the kids did their homework while I seemed to be hosting this party forever.

Thankfully, everyone went back to their places, for now. The dinner party has ended, things are cleaned up, and all are much the wiser.

Effie has gone back into her usual contemplative state.

My 10-year-0ld and her friend did a podcast, for heavens sake, proving that we really do live in an age where anything is possible!

You will be happy to know that I did not become a salesperson (in the used cars sense), I did find something to connect others with that I absolutely love, which is kind of cool and funny. This has led me to start working on my beliefs about selling anything, which is something that it turns out has been holding me back for quite some time. I’ve also never had something to sell that I didn’t have to invent, so it feels good. That’s been really enlightening (and thank you, Lena, who is a brilliant coach, and who will soon start her “Enlightened Entrepreneurs” coaching group which promises to be amazing).

I have re-visited my schedule and recognized the need for this little thing called sleep. And meditation. And exercise. And this other little thing called fun-without-having-to-worry-about-whether-others-are-wearing-matching-socks (aka, time for mom to not work). The whole balancing thing is still hard, especially with three kids to and the challenges of 5th grade math (which are more horrible than I could describe). But it is what it is. Being a mom fuels who I am.

I’ve realized that I am not doing the wrong thing but exactly the right thing, in the right way. I give thanks for my friends and clients who actually tell me more and more that they really do like the new project — someone actually called me completely unexpectedly and asked to share it with her entire networking group! — and that my coaching is useful in helping them reach into themselves and find all sorts of worthwhile things.

I have emails and tweets saved so I can look at these little nuggets of encouragement when I’m feeling down, and they immediately help me realize I am on the right path. Granted, the path seems to be leading to a cliff at times, but it is getting smoother.

And yes, I did screw up a bit. Quite a bit. Worst was that I lost three of the interviews (with Brooke, David, and Deb) for the new project and they were brilliant. And I felt really, really bad. But now I can get a do-over, and will be much better able to do the interviews thanks to spending some time with my brilliant friend Carolyn who is helping me tap into her years of media experience so I can become a better interviewer.

Oh, yeah, and I now have a cool shiny little thingy that I can save really important computerey things on so they don’t get lost. That is nice.

When you hurt, pay attention. Okay, this one is a little strange, but I went to a salesey thing that I got all caught up in, and afterwards I hurt. I really was in pain, like someone was stabbing me in the neck. It ultimately got really bad, and I was about to go see my amazing chiropractor who always helps me. I thought I was sitting wrong, sleeping wrong, maybe coming down with something, and so I made an extra effort to be nice to myself. Well, as nice as a mom with three kids can be to herself.

Then, the most amazing thing happened. I had a session with Lena, who pointed out a couple of things I was doing that just were incongruent. Then she encouraged me to work on my beliefs about the salesey thing. After I really sat down a couple of times to do the work and to regain my what and how and my focus on my things, I realized much to my surprise that the pain was gone.

It was amazing. If only I’d paid attention to the pain when it started, and really taken time to think about when and why it started, I wonder whether it would have disappeared more quickly. I had gotten myself totally off my path, and thank heavens my body made me stop and figure things out.

Dance with the one that brung you. My dad used to say this. It means don’t give up on the people, experiences, and skills that got you to where you are now. It’s awfully appealing some days to turn into someone who just makes money. Lots and lots of money that will pay for a kitchen that is not partly held together by duct tape.

But you know what? I need to stick with what I’m good at and keep in mind what my “why” really is. When someone tells me what to do or how to do it, those are the moments I need to go even deeper inside myself and see what resonates for me.

Sure, I could be in corporate America. But my kids would be doing their homework without me. Granted, when your daughter is beginning algebra that sounds pretty appealing, but that’s not why I made the decision to leave bureaucracy and focus on being a mom.

So I need to stick with what I’m good at. And I will. Problem solving. Being a little human extension cord connecting people to each other and to what they need. Helping other people become healthier and more balanced. Meeting people exactly where they are in their business or personal lives, and bringing along a flashlight to help them get out of the dark. Remaining open and giving.

The amazing thing is, once I had an opportunity to think of all these things that have come my way, they all fit together. The coaching, the networking, the education, the connecting. It’s like one leads into another, seamlessly.

So, dear reader, I’m back, and ready to move forward.

Something new

During this whole phase, I’ve also done a lot of reading. Of course, one of my favorite check-ins is Havi. I love what she began a while ago, which is an “asking” for what she wants and needs. I agree that I need to get better at asking. So let us begin.

Here’s what I want — I have space in my practice (now that the dinner party is over!) for one or two new coaching clients. It just feels like it’s the right time to add some folks to the circle.

You need only to have read Effie’s work, have felt it resonated with you, and be ready to work on getting to a different place with your stuff. If that sounds like you, then please contact me (lizmcgowen@gmail.com) and we’ll set up a time to talk. All the info about “hows” is on my coaching page.

I’d love to hear your honest thoughts, and will respond to what you have to say from my own heart. If you have things to ask for, please do so, and let’s help each other while remembering to remain open and loving.

I turned on my computer and was greeted by scary blue-ness… the kind that makes you want to go back to bed. The kind that makes you think in shades of green because you know that blue screen is going to be expensive to fix.

As I uggghh’d and arrrgh’d and hrrmph’d about the woes of this to my dog, who is mostly deaf, the words of my friend Lena popped into my head. Lena is, first of all, one of those people like Tina. Good to know in an emergency. Calm. Reasonable. Kind. She’s a person who would give you a hug when something icky happens and, if you decided to spend the afternoon running over your computer with your car or smashing it with a baseball bat, she’d not think less of you.

Last week I attended an event where Lena spoke, which is always a treat. She’s a really good speaker who puts her heart into the topic. She talked about something I found interesting. And on Monday, it was relevant.

Lena talked about change.

You want change. So you ask for change and you look for it and you try to do all these things to make it happen.

And then, probably more often than not, things start to happen. Only sometimes they’re not good things but bad things. Things you don’t necessarily want to happen. Like computers that no longer work or “to do” lists that are interrupted. People who leave your life. Needing to move. Getting sick.

Change, but not good change.

That’s happened to me. Has it happened to you? You want change so bad you can taste it. But when things start to happen you suddenly find yourself kicking and screaming and cursing and… hrrmph’ing.

How could that happen? I don’t want this! Make it stop! I want things back to the way they were!

Sound familiar?

The amazing thing Lena talked about was that this change, all of it extremely awful if taken separately, has to happen.

You asked for change. In order for there to be room and importance for what is coming, this stuff has to happen. It is part of the change. New things that need to be done. New people to enrich your life. New and better places to live. An increased awareness of health and wellness for you or those you love.

So many of us ask for change, but I realized on Monday that it’s hard to walk the talk. To view the thing as part of the change, and instead of focusing on the icky, to focus on what is next.

By the way, I’ve invented a story around what happened to my computer. It was sick of my daily hrrumph’ing and my monotonous tasks, so it decided to hop a plane to the Bahamas. It took it’s beautiful little self to the beach and spent all its time goofing off on twitter and fully charging its battery. And then, to take advantage of mid-week air fares, it came back last night and was safely tucked in at its little desk by 9:30 pm. This morning it was wide awake and refreshed…

What is next

It seems fitting, on this day that is 45 days from the time I started off to give free coaching sessions to 100 different individuals, to let you know what happened with this little project.

I’ve tried not to mention it too much here, for the simple reason that it seemed the people who needed me — my right people — would find me if it was meant to be. It’s been kind of an experiment with the universe.

And it was meant to be. I ended up with just over 40 sessions, meaning that just over 40 of my right people connected with me. We got to talk about goals and what is icky and scary, and Effie was most patient and loving during the whole process.

It was perfect.

Most of the time it was just an hour and then they’ve gone out into the world to thrive. Some have talked with me a few more times, which is so cool.

Thank you, to all of you who participated in a session, who told a friend about the project, or who stood on the sidelines and said “Yeah! Go Liz!” You are all, each and every one of you, awesome. You are doing amazing things. You are asking questions that enrich your lives and the lives of others. I’m so very proud to know you.

The question of what is next is something I’ve been considering a lot recently, and I want to talk about that a bit more soon… with some exciting news for you…

All my best to you and those in your world,

-liz

You know, the kind of thing that my elephants just love.

One of the things I’ve realized is that there are several tendencies I have about beginnings. And then the beginning gradually works its way into a slow fizzle. And a stop. And sometimes a restart which requires a tremendous amount of energy. Or sometimes just a nothing.

I’ve been working on this habit for a while, and have been intrigued by Havi’s quest for “sovereignty”. She describes this beautifully, but it’s basically owning what you do to such a degree that it cannot be shaken from your way of being.

So in an effort to start in a different way (which might make me just a bit less crazy), I’m giving myself the following permissions about my life and adding these things into my entire way of being.

My hope is that by admitting these things are needed, they will become part of what I do seamlessly each and every day. And then they will become unshakable. And then I can move on, perhaps verrry, verrry slowwwly, to something else.

Time. I will allow myself enough time. Rather than overscheduling (which I almost always do) I will try to underschedule. To allow big, gaping holes in my calendar.

This seems incredibly frightening, since running-and-doing seem so linked to the succeeding part. But these holes need to be there, to give me the time to make this what it needs to be.

Now time is a tricky thing. It needs to be used wisely, and I’ve finally realized that “wisely” cannot be determined by someone else. So my need to spend time each morning meditating is wise. It clears my head and allows the creativity to unstick itself from wherever it hides. My need to take time to lay out my calendar before starting my round of email check-ins is wise. My need to leave everything behind at 2 each day so I can start picking up my kids from school (and that being a mom is the whole reason I left behind the nice-shoes-and-suits life I used to lead) is also wise. I hope you, dear reader, understand.

Sleep. The phrase “burning the candle at both ends” has been my motto for many years. I’m famous for getting up at incredibly crazy hours (aka, 3 am) to work. In fact, one of my girls once asked me whether I ever slept, since I seemed to be always awake whenever she was. I’ve done this since college, really, trying to cram as much into my day (work, classes, family) while also being creative (writing in the wee hours of the morning).

There are three problems with this. Probably many more, but in my sleep-deprived brain three is all I can come up with.

First, I cannot possibly do my best work on four or five hours of sleep. It’s just not possible.

Second, when my body can no longer take it, I crash. I crash the project, I burn out, and everything goes to hell. It’s not sustainable.

And third, lack of sleep has other consequences. It makes me tired. And grumpy. And I feel rotten. And people don’t like hanging out with someone who is grumpy and rotten.

So I am going to allocate time for work and for sleep. This is a major thing for me, dear reader. Are these things you, too, struggle with?

The ickyness factor. I tend to say yes. Yes to taking the lead on something. Yes to agreeing to speak to a group of strangers and spending countless hours preparing for this horrifying event. Yes to something that sounds good for someone else but for me is really out of line with where I’m headed.

I often realize should have taken time to see whether something is in harmony with, well, me. I should have stopped to examine whether there is an “ickyness factor” attached to any new thing. If there is, it needs to stop immediately.

I did that today, and it felt soooo good. Something that was on my schedule was filling me with absolute terror. I realized I didn’t want to read emails about this event. I didn’t want to make phone calls (and I needed to make them!). I didn’t want anything to do with it at all. And it was a perfectly nice thing, and something that some of my friends would love to do. So I made a couple of phone calls and, viola, one of my friends is delighted to be hooked up with this. And I am pleased-as-punch-thank-you-very-much as my 5-year-old would say.

Those are my big realizations, not bad for a sleep-deprived, over-scheduled woman whose activities reek of ickyness factor. But all that is gonna change.

Are there things in your life that you need to recognize and begin to own? If you want to let me know, I promise to let you know I support you in a thoughtful, caring way. Or if you don’t, I love you for just reading this. Take care, and all my best,

-liz

My friend Victoria Brouhard wrote the most beautiful piece about coming to terms with her fears, and it occurs to me that fans of Effie might enjoy this tremendously. Just read about Hedgehog Girl.

I think you’ll love it. Effie loved it, too.

Is all good in your world? I hope so. Things are crazy here, but getting smoother every day.

I wanted to check in and let all of you know that I’m still thinking about you… in those fleeting moments when I’m not occupied with getting a 10-year-old to do math homework and trying to figure out why the 3-year-old and 5-year-old are being “too” quiet.

Oh, yeah, and doing those 100 free sessions. I’ve made it to 31, thank you very much, and am feeling super. If you’d like to sign up for a free session there is still a teensy bit of time left. Sign up for my mailing list at the right (under the elephant’s rear end), and you’ll receive all the details.

All my best to you and those you love,
-liz

My friend Tina is the moderator. She is sensible, and she always knows the right thing to say. Nothing bad has ever happened to me while Tina was around.

Tina is going to be confronting my Troll, which is the scariest thing I can imagine. I once had to be picked up from preschool in hysterics after a reading of the Three Billy Goats Gruff. Honestly. So scary.

So here we go… I’m going to hand things over to Tina and leave the room.

***Shhh. Don’t tell the troll I was even here!***

Tina: Hello, Mr. Troll. I’m Tina and I’m a friend of Liz’s. She asked me to come over to talk for a moment. Could you come in and sit down?

Troll: I really don’t want to. I have other things to do. I’m very busy.

Tina: It will just take a second. Go ahead. It’s fine to take a break.

Troll: OK. If I have to. [sits begrudgingly and slouches; is smelly]

Tina: I’d like to ask you a question for Liz. She’s very interested in you and what you do.

Troll: I’m her business troll.

Tina: A business troll. That sounds important. You mentioned that you’re very busy. Since I’ve never met you before, could you help me understand what you do?

Troll: I put lots and lots of questions in Liz’s mind to make sure she’s considering all the angles of something before she ever does it. Sometimes all those questions just stop her dead in her tracks for long periods of time. I also do this thing that actually makes her worried about following up with potential customers, and I also kind of haunt her phone to make her think she’s going to talk to people who are mad at her when she picks up her cell phone. That makes her very nervous and keeps her from talking on the phone if she can help it. It’s a big job, full-time.

Tina: Wow. You are really busy. You’re right, that’s a huge job.

Troll: Thanks. I’m really good at what I do. Very effective.

Tina: So can you help me understand a little more about why you do all these really cumbersome things for her? I mean, that sounds like really hard work and it must get a bit tiresome to do all that for her every single day.

Troll: Yeah. I’m trying to protect her from becoming the way she was. When she had a real job she worked all the time and was always away. And then once she started the business she was just non-stop focused on it. And the kids and the house and her husband never got her attention. She never did anything except work, work, work. And she got too exhausted. I’m trying to make sure she doesn’t get that way again.

Tina: Hmmm. So it sounds like if Liz were to do these things, you think she’d get sucked into working all the time?

Troll: Yeah. Absolutely. And she wouldn’t take care of herself.

Tina: Oh, that’s starting to make sense to me. You’re worried she will get sucked into work and not take care of herself and everyone else around her.

Troll: You got it, Einstein.

Tina: Hmmm. That’s very considerate of you. There’s just a little tiny, itsy bitsy thing. You see, the tough thing for Liz is that she actually does need to work sometimes, because otherwise she’s going to have to get a real job and then she will have to work even more and have less flexibility for her family. I’m wondering, is there something we could work out here?

Troll: Well, it’s a little awkward for me. I have these important things and the way I look at it I just need to do them so all of us will be safe.

Tina: Ah. OK. So you want to make sure that Liz doesn’t get sucked into her work – so she has time for her family and her life outside of work – and you also want to make sure she and everybody in her world are safe and cared for. Have I got it so far?

Troll: Yeah. That sounds pretty much like my deal.

Tina: So let me ask you, is there a way that Liz could work, and try to do what she needs to do, and you could be okay with it?

Troll: It would worry me a lot. But I could – maybe – give it a try for a day or so and see what happens.

Tina: So you could let her answer her phone?

Troll: Yeah.

Tina: And you could let her try to do her own thing without making her question everything 100 times?

Troll: Yeah, I guess.

Tina: And could you let her follow up with potential customers and help her feel good about it, since she’s really trying to help them?

Troll: Yeah, I can try.

Tina: And if one day goes okay, would you be willing to try another day after that?

Troll: Well, it will be hard, but I can try.

Tina: OK. I can tell you really care a lot about Liz and you want to make sure she’s safe. I think you’ve done a really super job at those things, and I appreciate you giving Liz a chance to see whether she can take on some of your workload and still be safe. Does that still sound alright?

Troll: Yeah. OK. Well, since my schedule has freed up a bit, I’m gonna go watch Jeopardy now.

Tina: Thanks, Mr. Troll. I’ll let Liz know what we talked about. I’ll go get her… I think she’s hiding in the closet…

Fred is a bit of an expert on the Law of Attraction. I’ve been interested in this for quite some time, reading and listening and trying to add it to my practice of meditation during the last few months.

Well, last night I was able to ditch the kids for a couple of hours and go to a meeting hosted by Fred.

Wow. Clarity. The discussion was amazing, and I have to say that Fred set such a warm tone for all of us. We talked about getting caught in the dreaded “loop” — no, Chicagoans, not that loop, although I dread that one too! — and Fred offered a bit of advice.

About mid-way through the meeting I felt like the heavens opened up and clarity arrived. Well, for a moment. All the signs are here. You are here, and you are one of the signs.

How fun is that?

The path is illuminated. I just have to stop going down my “should” path and stick with the one I’m being shown. The should path is so enticing and comfortable, and it’s the one everybody is on. I know, I’ve talked about the should path before. But I keep ignoring my own advice.

It’s… really…. hard… to… step… off… the… should… path…!

If that makes no sense, don’t worry. I’m still trying to make sense of it.

I also realized that one of the most intense feelings I’ve had since starting my own business has been fear. Fear of failure. Fear of how others will see me. Fear that clients won’t find me. Fear that clients will find me but that I will somehow disappoint them. Fear of paying the mortgage. Fear of my accountant. Fear of having to get a real job. The list of fear goes on and on.

And you know what? As a result of those fears, I’ve attracted all those things that I fear.

As someone said last night, “Fear is faith in a negative direction.”

It’s like an example from our discussion last night, of the person running for a touchdown. Everybody is cheering and the person is running like mad. The only problem is he’s going the wrong way.

This morning I got up early and meditated, then took a few minutes to journal about what is working. So much is working:

• I get to write and use my creativity on my blog in a way that’s helpful to others every day
• I’m connected with so many other amazing people all over the globe in a community that’s discussing growth and change through blogs, on twitter, and in all sorts of other fun ways (including my girls in our “happiness project group”)
• I’m creating more peace, happiness and love for myself, my family, and my friends
• I’m able to spend the time I need to with my kids
• I’ve written the “Elephant Manifesto” that I’m going to share with the world soon, and I can hardly wait for you to read it
• Somehow, we’re managing to make ends meet and raise happy kids

There are a few things I do want:

• I want to have enough money that I don’t need to worry about it (I have an amount in mind, but it seems way too icky to share that)
• I want to have coaching clients who will pay me and who will work with me openly and honestly (again, it seems too icky for me to arbitrarily set an amount that someone must pay me to get my help or a time frame — that seems like a judgement, like saying “no, your problem isn’t for me” simply because you can’t afford some amount I say I must have. Yuck. I’m not going there.)
• I want to be able to help others in ways that are caring and fun and meaningful for both of us
• I want a housekeeper who will clean the bathroom (well, if I’m asking, I might as well get what I really want!)

As I said, I’m still trying to make sense of all this.

I’m also realizing that I’ve been hoarding a few things that I’ve written and that may be helpful to others, so my priority in the next few days is to get those up here and into the universe.

And to focus on being grateful for you. You are my light along the path. Thank you.

Since this is a moment I am not sitting on my children, I will be brief: Thank you to Havi, for helping me continue to look at my stuff and for having helped me not understand how to understand Twitter — such a useful and strategic non strategery.

The other thank you goes to Naomi. I signed up for a new little email course at Ittybiz. It’s amazingly good. Thinky and cool and extremely helpful. Particularly when you need something to think about in between restraining your children.

Anyway, I realize this week that my ideal thing is proving more difficult to find. I also realize that my husband and kids will soon be out of school for the summer and I will have precious little time to sit and contemplate my navel any further.

I have also been thinking about something Havi says all the time, which is that not putting your thing out there for your right people denies them the opportunity to get something they need. I’m not putting it very well, but she says something to that effect.

I have about 15 years of experience working with kids as a social worker, and on top of that I have 10 years of being a parent to my own kids. For some reason, I’ve written a great deal about children — how to feed them, how to keep them from having tantrums while your mother-in-law is looking, how to reduce their exposure to toxins, and all kinds of other things.

These are experiences and knowledge that seem so obvious to me it’s almost boring, but I realize that other people need them. I also realize that I do indeed find these issues extremely exciting (proof of what a geek I truly am). Furthermore, I realize that my top priority is to raise my kids, and that many other people share this priority. So it’s time to get in there and share what I know.

So, I’m getting started to share some very specific information with you and others who care about children. First in the lineup is an email series on toddler tantrums. In particular, how to make them stop. You can sign up for the course here.

I’ll also be adding several more goodies in the next week or so, and I’m putting together a group class to begin July 1 that will be called something like “How To Be A Great Parent In Difficult Times” or “How To Not Be a Psycho Mom When Your Credit Cards Are Maxed Out” or something. It’s going to be very fun, and I’ll share more as soon as it’s ready.

OK. Hope all is well with you on this Tuesday that’s actually a Thursday!

They want something that they can’t quite get from the surface, so they chip away and chip away until, voila, they finally get it.

Any work on my “thing” feels a lot like being a woodpecker. I know  something is down there. It has value and substance and will make me and all the other woodpeckers supremely happy. I want it to come out so bad, but I just…. can’t…. quite…. reach…. it….

It’s tiring. My beak hurts from all this work.

Now, where was I?

Oh. Yeah. Back to the chipping….